When I first started working as a hospice nurse, I witnessed the different ways in which individuals go through and express grief. I learned about anticipatory grief, which typically begins at the moment of diagnosis and lingers until the very end. Over the years, I have seen numerous people grieve, and I used to believe that grief was solely related to death, but I now understand that grief encompasses all forms of loss.
You can grieve the loss of a friendship, a relationship, a job, a home, a lifestyle, independence, physical strength, trust, hope, faith, and the loss of eyesight, touch, smell, taste, or hearing.
After my thirteen-year relationship ended, a necessary change, I experienced a profound sense of loss and went through a period of mourning. Despite the toxicity of the relationship, it had been such a significant part of my life that I struggled to adjust to this new chapter without him. I had to rid myself of the negative residue that had accumulated over time. When people inquired about my well-being, I often responded, "I feel taller," as I realized I had been living as a diminished version of myself for so long. Although that version of me was unhealthy, I mourned her and had to navigate life without her presence.
When my brother died it was not just about him dying, it was about everything we were, up to that point. It was about our childhood, our family memories, and despite us not talking for quite some time, it was about the things I cherished like the yearly birthday or holiday text messages. I clung to those, and when he died, those did too. I am grieving so much more than his death, I am grieiving his life and his place in mine despite our disconnect.
After losing my job recently, it took me a few days to adjust to not performing my usual routine tasks, such as making the morning call to Kathy in scheduling, planning my patient visits for the day, placing my stethoscope on the seat of my car, ensuring I had all necessary items in my pockets, and, most importantly, feeling a sense of purpose. Transitioning away from the company's new direction, which I was already struggling to find joy in, was not as difficult as parting ways with the people and routines I cherished. I am currently in a process of reminding myself that I still have a purpose, that joy will return to my work, and that change can be beneficial. However, I am currently in a period of mourning.
I am coming to understand that grief involves losing the hope and dreams we had for the future.
Grief disturbs our feeling of normalcy.
We begin to wonder what normal really means and must adapt to a new normal.
I read a quote that really resonated with me... "grief does not change you, it reveals you." Sit with that for a second, does it hit you the way it does me?
During a recent walk, I came across a tree without leaves, surrounded by seven leaf-covered trees. The ground beneath the bare tree was covered in a pile of leaves. I stared at it a few minutes, realizing that despite it all, the tree was still standing. It reminded me of times when I, like many others, have felt similarly bare. Perhaps the lesson here is to appreciate the beauty of the fallen leaves beneath us, while also recognizing the resilience of the tree that bore them, with the knowledge that it will bloom again one day.
When we experience grief, it is because we have lost something or someone important to us, and adjusting to life without it or them can be incredibly difficult and distressing. It is important to keep this in mind when supporting someone going through this process. Empathy and compassion don't require us to have gone through the exact same situation; all we need to do is show kindness, be patient and understanding, and offer our presence to remind them that they have support and are not doing this alone.
xo
Gabby
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