This is a question that many people who are navigating an illness hear. It does come from a caring place, and it is not meant to hurt or upset anyone, but know that a lot of thoughts waft through their head before answering it, the first being “how do I respond to this without upsetting them?”
I had this very conversation recently with my doula client who is on hospice and probably only has a few weeks left to live. Her biggest fear is that her response will upset the person who asks it. “How can I tell them how I am really doing, without making them feel uncomfortable?”
My answer was this:
If they ask the question, they need to accept the answer.
You do not owe anyone anything.
Be truthful.
Tell your story any way that you need to.
She also mentioned how hard it is to respond to all the texts and emails she receives, each one asking her how she is feeling and if she needs anything. This is something I hear often from those in her same position.
I helped her write a response that she can just copy and paste:
“Thank you for reaching out, I am not doing well, although some days are better than others. I do not have the bandwidth to respond to each of you individually but know that I appreciate your care. If it takes a few days to hear back from me, or if you do not hear back from me, it is not personal. I am taking care of me now, and putting my needs first, which sometimes means sitting quietly in this experience and giving myself permission to do this my way. Thank you for being in my life. I love you. If I get a little extra energy, I will reach out.”
When someone is dying and you ask them, over and over again, how they are doing or how they are feeling, it is a nails-on-the-chalkboard moment every time. Know that each time they receive this question, they sit and ponder how they can answer it to make you feel better about what they are going through.
I am guilty of this myself. I recently sent a "how are you doing?" text to a friend who is caring for a dying parent. She said to me, "do you want the truth or shall I sugar coat it for you." As a person who does not mince words, or sugar coat anything, I asked her to tell me the truth. I honestly think she felt some relief in telling me exactly how she was doing. I listened to her without interruption. I did not conjure up the "best response," I simply said, "I love you and I am here for you to vent to any time you need to," Her response, "thank you, I needed that."
Don’t stop checking in… they want that. Instead, just let them know you love them, that you are thinking about them, and you are there if they need you. Remember that we cannot “fix” someone who is dying, but we can love them, and sometimes that is enough.
Be the kind of person that offers a safe place for someone to share how they are really doing.
xo
Gabby
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