I have witnessed so many last breaths that I cannot count them any more… thousands of them, and I have witnessed equally as many last goodbyes, and hugged twice that many as they started their grief journey. Walking out the door after a death has always felt heavy, but lately, it has felt different. I am not sure if I will explain this in a way that you will get, but I wanted to share it because while it might seem odd or eerie, it might also bring you the comfort it brings me.
Now, when I walk out the door after a death, a feeling comes over me as though “they” are walking out with me. All of the people I have supported over the years are with me when I go to the next bedside, as though they are offering me the strength to be able to continue to hold myself up during these difficult times. I feel all of them there, standing next to me, wrapping their arms gently around me, whispering what I have said to all of them, which is… “I’ve got you.”
When I get into my car after each death, I drive a block or two away and I pull over to cry. The tears feel heavier now, the burning in my eyes lasts longer than it did before, but this is a necessary process and a part of my own healing. The weight of what I witness has become heavier. But lately I feel safer, and more supported, and I know that those I have cared for are there with me always, offering me what I offered them, which is the reminder that I am not alone, and this comforts me. I give myself permission to cry and to feel because that means I am affected by what I witness over and over again, which is a life ending, and someone having to say goodbye. I never want to stop feeling.
I realize now that what allows me to continue doing this work, what keeps me from breaking, and what holds me up on my toughest days, is the knowledge that they are all walking alongside me, making sure I am not alone. Knowing they are there with me reminds me to breathe, to take a pause, and to feel whatever I need to feel. They’ve got me…
xo
Gabby
Photo credit: @bobandmarge on Instagram
Gabby, this is such a very comforting thought- that the loved one is beside us as we take our leave.
What you're expressed is really lovely, Gabby, and really important! It brings me comfort even though I was only present when my mom died 32 years ago. I wasn't able to sit with her - and I've always felt like I missed something important & also that I failed her, but being in the room was the best I could do. I know that now and I know she knows it too. I had spent 7 months providing her care 24/7 by myself and I was physically and emotionally drained, In fact I had a complete breakdown soon after - the best thing I ever experienced because I was forced to finally learn - at age 46 - that I…