Something weird happened to me the other day… it affected me so much that I had to take a few days to process it and figure out the meaning behind it. Over the years I have come to see and accept that things happen, there is a plan, and although I might not always like it, it will lead me to wherever I am meant to be. I feel that way about my life. I found myself dodging difficulties my whole life, often thinking of myself as a victim, unlucky, and sometimes not worthy of more or better. And while this was very much a struggle for me, I realize now that it was all meant to be, as it led me here, and it all feels so right.
The other day I was trying to set up my new printer, which was way out of my technical ability. It took me two hours and I was not thrilled about any of it. But when I finished, and was able to print something from my computer, and it came out perfect, I was so excited. And for a very brief moment, I felt this need to call my dad and tell him what I had done and share how proud of myself I was. I even picked up my phone to call him. It felt so real.
My dad died over twenty-five years ago, we did not have the best relationship, and even if we had a cell phone back then (which I don’t think we did) he would not have been the person I would have called in that moment. I spent a lot of my life being angry at him but over the years I have learned to let go of my anger, and to forgive him for the things I truly believe that if given another opportunity, he would have done differently. I needed to do this for myself. I needed to stop being so angry.
For the past few years, as my anger has softened, I too have softened in my feelings for and about him. I see his gifts and the gifts he left me with, I see the lessons he taught me, and I believe that if we were gifted more time and he was here now, he would be proud of me… and quite possibly would be the person I would call when I accomplished something I did not think I could do, such as putting my new printer together.
I felt a certain sense of peace these past few days, as I revisited the feeling that I could call and share with him whatever was happening in my life. That moment when I reached for my phone felt so real to me, so much so that I even checked my phone to see if I had a number for him, which of course I didn’t but that is how real it felt.
When someone you love dies, you never “get over it,” and you never stop thinking about them, and what things might have been like if they were still with you. I think what time does, at least for me, is it allows you to process the whole picture, not just the pieces you have held on to with a vice-like grip. Once I let go of the anger and disappointment from a childhood that was less than pleasant, I was able to see everything in a different light. And I realized when I reached for my phone to call him… I truly wished he was here, and that was the best feeling ever.
Sometimes, time can allow us to let go of the things we wish could have been different, shine a light on the things that were not so bad, and help you to make peace with it all, which in many ways can reduce the sharp edges of grief, which I think are caused by everything we hold on to that really serves no purpose as time goes on.
I wish he was still here... but I am really happy I am not angry anymore.
xo Gabby
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