I was sitting with the wife of a man who was hours away from taking his last breath. She was nervous, emotional, and scared. After spending a short amount of time with him, I knew that noise distracted him and I had a feeling he wanted privacy when he passed. I could have been wrong, I had been wrong before, but I have learned to trust my instincts and I usually act on them with positive results. This time was a perfect example. His wife kept taking phone calls at his bedside, and because she was a little hard of hearing, she would put friends and family on speaker telling each one the details of his personal dying process. I watched as he became more agitated with each phone call. She made phone call after phone call telling each person what was going on, discussing the plans for his funeral service and inviting each one over to come see him before he goes. I believe her heart was in the right place, but sometimes people don’t understand what the person lying there might be experiencing and what they might hear or feel.
I never try to assume that I know this person better than those who love them, and I do worry that I might overstep, but I am a patient advocate and I always try to say that one right thing that might just bring everyone a little more peace.
Regardless of how responsive someone is, I believe they hear everything. It is almost as though their hearing ability is enhanced and so I have become very sensitive to that. I encourage people to not whisper at the bedside or even a few feet away, or talk about them to others, as they lay there unable to ask them to be quiet or chime in with their own thoughts or feelings.
I asked his wife to take a walk with me for a bit and I very gently explained that dying is a very private experience and while all who love him are affected, it is ultimately his experience and he deserves to be given privacy, dignity and respect. I suggested she keep the phone off in his bedroom and allow the time at his beside to be spent loving him.
I let her know that sometimes people do not want an audience when they are going through their process, in fact some have been known to take their last breath when everyone leaves the room, even after only just a few minutes. So I suggested she keep the friends visits short and give those last few hours to his family members. I reminded her that these moments don’t get a do over, you only get one chance to say goodbye.
That night after sending the friends home, she pulled together the four family members and each took a private moment at the bedside to say goodbye. They left the room to have some dinner and when she went back in to check on him, he had died. And thankfully, she was prepared for that.
A few days later I called to check in on her and she told me how thankful she was that I asked her to take a walk that day. She said that in many ways the phone calls were a distraction for her because she didn’t know how to be present for him. She was glad that I asked her to put the phone down and to just be with him, because that was where she needed to be… that was where he needed her to be.
xo
Gabby
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