Not Everyone Wants Their Hand Held

One of the things I have learned working in hospice is that not everyone wants their hand held, and yet most of us immediately go to the hand of the person in the bed, taking it tightly in our own hoping that it brings them comfort. We often do not ask first; we just take their hand in ours and we hold it regardless of whether this is something they would want.

I had a man once tell me that he felt trapped when his hand was taken without permission, which made me more aware of the importance and sensitivity of asking first. I can’t help but wonder how it must feel to be lying in a bed, often without a voice to speak up, when someone takes your hand, or touches you, or moves a pillow, or raises or lowers the bed, all without warning… imagine how that must feel.

This is when having a conversation with the people we love long before we find ourselves here is so important. We need to find out how they feel about touch, which can also include hugging, because remember, not every person wants to be hugged.

When my brother was in the ICU without a voice to speak up, the doctor touched his foot, and it twitched in response. The first thing the doctor said was, “does your brother have a history of seizures?” I explained that my brother was extremely ticklish and soon after I put a sign on the wall to make sure that no one touched his feet again. My point being… if we know ahead of time, we can respect the wishes of the person in that bed, and we can avoid discomfort on multiple levels.

For many years I have been a hospice nurse and have learned that most adults when declining from age or illness, struggle with speaking up about what they do not like, such as you taking a hold of their hand. I now work as a pediatric palliative care nurse and work with children, who can often make it very clear what they do and don’t want, especially when it comes to touch. They will quickly pull their hand away or move away from your touch if they are able, because they are not living with fear of letting others down by saying they do or do not want something.

Perhaps we can learn from the children and make it clear what we want, and if we do not want to be touched, hugged, or have our hands held without permission, we make that known now while we can, so when that time comes, someone can put a sign on the wall that says, “please do not hold his hand,” or whatever other message you want everyone to know. Having this conversation ahead of time allows us to be their voice, honoring and respecting them beautifully.

And in the meantime, maybe we could all become a little more aware of how differently we each want to be cared for and not assume that because we might welcome a hug or wish to have our hand held, everyone else would too. We should always ask first and be mindful that it might not be welcome.

xo

Gabby