You would think that working in hospice and end-of-life care and being present for so many people who were about to start their grief journey, I would have an abundance of tools. You would think I would be prepared and less surprised by the feelings, emotions, and inconsistency of grief. I thought that too. But I was wrong.
When my brother Ben died, I felt a tug of war within me that fluctuated between being totally together and being a complete mess. It was during this time that I also realized I had not dealt with my previous losses, especially from when my sister Laura died. I wrote a blog called “Pancake Grief” which explained how my brother dying make the stack of all my other grief pancakes fall. I was never taught about grief, I never talked about it, and I never even really acknowledged it. My most painful loss was my sister Laura dying and I did not know how to process that. When my brother Ben died, everything I have felt for so many years, rose to the surface and I found myself dizzy with the chaotic way it all knocked at my door.
Sometimes it feels like I am walking through a room completely off balance, grabbing hold of every piece of furniture in my path hoping not to fall. It is in those times I feel like I am the only one on the planet who has ever grieved, that no one could possibly understand what this feels like. And then, I am reminded… there are so many of us who feel this way.
Have you ever noticed that grief tears sting more than happy tears? I cry easily and often for many different reasons, but I have been crying more frequently lately because of the deep sadness that never seems to leave me. When I think of my brother and sister, I think of all the things I wish I had said, some things I wish I hadn’t, and all the things they have missed and will miss during the rest of my lifetime. And I cry. And those tears sting.
None of us can be prepared for the reaction we have when someone dies. We cannot control our grief, and even if we try to push it aside and ignore it, it is still there and it will sneak up on you unpredictably. What I have learned is that I need to be ready for it all the time, knowing that some days the knock on the door will be loud, and other days it will be soft… but it will always be there knocking on your door and my advice is to open the door and greet it, welcome it, deal with it, embrace it, and feel it. The only way we can truly honor all the feelings we have, is to feel them.
xo
Gabby
Hospice Nurse, end-of-life doula, griever
Link to “Pancake Grief” https://www.thehospiceheart.net/post/pancake-grief
Link to my book “Healing a Grieving Heart” https://a.co/d/3eCcENp
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