We all wish for a "beautiful" death for ourselves and our loved ones, and thankfully, it often happens or comes close. I feel fortunate to have witnessed many deaths that were peaceful and even beautiful, though I have also seen some that were challenging, distressing, and frightening.
Death and the dying process vary for each individual, and we need to address this more honestly. Describing death as beautiful or peaceful can be misleading for those who experience something entirely different.
I often explain that changes in skin color, body movements, sounds, and even pain can be a “normal” part of dying. However, it is not “normal” for anyone to witness, especially for someone who has never seen a death before.
Normal is defined as “standard, usual, typical, or expected,” but in the context of death and dying, I am beginning to understand that there is nothing normal about it.
As a clinician, I strive to alleviate the struggle some people face when dying, but I am not always successful. I have tried to accept that this is not my fault or that I have done something wrong, understanding that the body knows what to do and sometimes what it goes through is beyond our control… no matter how hard we try.
Some deaths are difficult to witness, and I need to be more considerate of those watching a loved one suffer, recognizing that this can cause a deeper kind of pain for those observing, and this must be acknowledged.
I wonder if death is called beautiful because one has come to terms with the death itself, such as when someone has lived a long, fulfilling life and died as we hope everyone does. Or maybe it is considered beautiful when you see someone die without the struggles we often observe. If pain, distress, delirium, and agitation are alleviated and someone can take their final breath more peacefully, does that make it beautiful?
I searched for the definition of a beautiful death and found many interpretations like:
“A beautiful death is a death that allows for a celebration of a life well-lived and a sense of peace.” This aligns with what I wrote.
The concept of a beautiful death can differ from many perspectives; religious or cultural, when someone has had the opportunity to say goodbye and have those final conversations with loved ones, or even when the illness has been filled with suffering, yet despite the difficulty of saying goodbye, because the last breaths were taken peacefully, that too can be considered beautiful.
We all have different views on what that means, and as someone who works in end-of-life care, I believe it is crucial that it is not my place to determine whether a death was beautiful or not in the eyes of those who witnessed it.
Death is my teacher... and I am a very attentive listener.
xo
Gabby
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