I was with three siblings as they prepared to say goodbye to their mom. One accused her sister of not honoring their mother properly by being quiet and unemotional. The sister shouted, "I am doing the best that I can," and stormed off.
One thing I have learned about grief, both for myself and the people I support, is that we all grieve differently. We "expect" people to feel sad and to cry often, and when they don't we think they are not handling their grief correctly. We might start to question their mental state, suggesting therapy because they are holding their grief in, not facing it, and perhaps avoiding it because that is easier. Most people have an opinion of how “right” or “wrong” someone else is grieving.
Everyone grieves differently, and that's okay. Focus on your grief and accept that others—family, friends, or coworkers—are doing the best they can. The kindest approach is to support them without judgment.
People process and internalize their grief uniquely. While individuals may share a common affection for someone, their reactions to that person's death can differ significantly, and this variation is normal.
Some people cry uncontrollably and share their feelings openly. Others sit in silence, leaving their emotions unclear. Neither is right or wrong, our response to losing a loved one will manifest in various ways.
People who sit in silence often struggle with more than just death; they may carry deep pain, guilt, or regret. I know this because I have been that silent person. When my parents died, my regret blocked my emotional response. Even now, thirty years later, I find myself crying more than I did the day they each took their last breath.
Looking back, I realize I didn't have the tools or support for healthier grieving. I also felt I had no one to share my feelings with when they died, so I kept everything inside. Over thirty years later, when my brother died, all that unresolved grief resurfaced.
While there is no definitive method for grieving, there may be healthier approaches to the process. It is important to support individuals in their unique ways of coping with grief, ensuring they understand that they do not have to navigate it alone. Please refrain from suggesting that someone is grieving incorrectly and instead, extend a hand their way letting them know you are a safe place for them. And if they need the kind of support you cannot provide, perhaps professionally, support them and help them to find the right person to offer that for them.
xo
Gabby
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